Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Hail Caesar Skeletorus!

So perhaps it has been a burning question in the depths of your soul for the last week or so as to how exactly I did plan to conquer the Skeletorian Empire in slightly less than two weeks (maybe slightly more, I could do Kansas on my way home). Well I'm here to tell you that the answer is slinkies and a Kevin Costner disguise (naturally).

The logical place to begin my invasion would most certainly be Rome itself, and a most famous location in said town is the Colosseum, which is full of - you guessed it - stairs. So if I were to get say, several hundred thousand slinkies, and place buttons in a giant circle around the floor of the Colosseum attached to large explosive devices throughout the entirety of the former Roman Empire, all I would have to do to rain unearthly fire down on the unbelievers* would be to encourage the slinkies to do what they do best. Go down stairs! Not alone, not even in pairs, but in an unruly slinking mob!

The aftermath would quite likely be an apocalypse localized to parts of Europe, Africa, and Asia. And in a post-apocalyptic world, everyone knows that Kevin Costner is, without question, the most powerful man ever to deliver old mail and drink his own urine. By cleverly utilizing my Kevin Costner disguise, I would be crowned emperor almost unilaterally by the survivors, probably within days. If I can find a horse and grow webbed toes.

Stay tuned either for a detailed description on how I will take over the so-called "Sunflower State" on my way home, or plans for teaching a donkey how to rollerskate. Or something else entirely.

* By unbelievers, I mean that they don't subscribe to my personal religion. Technically, everyone is therefore an unbeliever (and incidentally, infidel), on account of I haven't really come up with the specifics of the religion yet, and really no one knows about it. Not even me.


Blogger Sue Fisk said...

I'm surprised I've never thought of that.
Wow. That's deep.

August 10, 2006 at 9:35 PM  
Blogger Riker said...

Hah, Kevin "post-apocalyptic" Costner. What a great guy, what an average actor. What an icon.

September 1, 2006 at 2:49 PM  

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