Friday, June 30, 2006

World Domination: Do I Have an Unhealthy Obsession?

So I'm flying to Italy in 21 days, 10 hours, 58 minutes and oh, 26 seconds or so (not that I'm keeping track or anything). This has got me to thinking about what I will do when I get there, and I've realized that I'm about to have a heretofore unavailable opportunity: one-upping my enemies. Not all my various enemies, but a specific family of enemies. That's right, the Caesars. When it comes to world domination, all anyone ever mentions is the friggin Caesars-

"Oh, Julius brought together the largest army the world had seen since Alexander and conquered more than half the known world!"

"Augustus united a divided Rome and transformed the Republic to the Empire, installing himself at it's first emperor and establishing the Pax Romana!"

Blah, blah, blah. Republics, Empires, sounds like a bad sci-fi space movie series from the seventies and eighties. The Romans under Caesars may have conquered the modern countries of Italy, Greece, Spain, France, Portugal, England, parts of Germany, northern Africa, most of the southern part of Eastern Europe, and a sizable chunk of the Middle East, but I intend to do them one better in the two weeks that I will be traveling through Italy and Greece. I will conquer all previous Roman territories, and additionally, Kansas (why Kansas, I don't know, I just harbor an abiding dislike for a state that is, literally, flatter than a pancake). In this way I will have outdone mine ancient enemies by 82,277 square miles (and a whole lot of fountains). See what they write in the history books about that, jerks.

Old, Weak, and Tiny Roman Empire

New, Awesome, and Friggin Huge Skeletorian Empire

Perhaps you're wondering how I intend to accomplish this mighty task? Well, I still have roughly 21 days, 10 hours, 42 minutes, and 37 seconds before I leave. So expect another post detailing my devious brilliance. Or not, if I think of something else. But possibly. Definitely maybe it might certainly be possible.

NOTE: I am aware that some statements in this blog may be historically inaccurate. However, unlike you, I don't care.


Blogger Sue Fisk said...

I'm positively in love with the idea of SOMEONE, anyone- finally conquoring Kansas. The Dust in the Wind is enough to choke Eleanor Rigby. But, Hold On- you'll have to Fight Fire With Fire. They are Freaks of Nature, and you're Hopelessly Human.
I await the outcome with baited breath. Carry On, My Wayward Son.

August 10, 2006 at 9:45 PM  

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