Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Where Has Skeletor Been? Part I

Perhaps you're wondering why I've not posted anything to this site in quite some time. Perhaps you'd like to know the truth. I know you better than that, you foolish wonderer. You'd much rather have a series of vaguely entertaining lies. So it begins:

On or about the beginning of January (the year of our Lord two thousand and five), whilst adding some journalistic polish to my most recent textual artistry, I was waylaid by a gang of interstellar vacuum cleaner salesmen with four arms, three heads, six mouths, and really quite frightfully awful teeth (braces, whitestrips, and a thousand hours of oral surgery would have only scratched the very surface, to say nothing of the terrifying halitosis). They were looking for a dentist, having seen one in a television program, and while they knew that I probably wasn't a dentist (or even close), the final episode of "Friends" was about to air on their home planet and they wanted to get back in time to find out if the goofy looking guy with the shiny hair ever got together with the attractive redhead.

So there I was, trapped in a tube filled with gelatinous, oxygenated goo doomed to watch a thousand, thousand hours of terrible alien soap operas* unless I could learn how to perform complex dentistry while inventing powerful anesthetics for some tri-headed salesfolk, or gouge out my own eyes with a 3x5 index card. Naturally I chose the latter option, subsequently bursting into the most annoying song I could think of, of which I only knew approximately five words and they were probably wrong, at the top of my lungs. But I did sing it over and over again until the vacuum people of Orthodon 17 ejected me into deep space (but not before presenting me with a half a dozen vacuum bags and a replacement hose).

How will I get out of this one, you might ask? Will I return to the internet with all my ocular senses at 100% efficiency? Will my next post contain as many run-on sentences?

* Picture earth-type soap operas, but with three earth-type soap opera actors stapled together and beaten with shovels until their sum total acting ability approaches that of a small gray and green speckled rock doing its very best impression of Britney Spears.

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