Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Warning! "Vanity Fair" Spoilers Below!

While I have plenty of interesting stories about my vacation, I will enlighten the masses instead with a brief description of the unforgivably boring film, "Vanity Fair". As it was the inflight movie on a five hour flight during which I had little else to do, I watched it (against my will and better judgement). My time would have been better spent chewing off my kneecaps, or drilling a hole in the bottom of the airplane with my cellphone in order to escape the most frighteningly dull picture this side of three hours of blank screen (which might actually be marginally better).

In some bad films, at least you can laugh at how poorly something was done. This movie lacked even that concession to watchability. I couldn't fall asleep while watching it, but it was so extraordinarily tedious that when I finally arrived home, my brain went into a coma for twenty-six hours.

On to the spoilers, the film summarized to save you two and a half hours of your life that I can never have back:

Setting:
Nineteenth century England. Perhaps the most boring country on the planet, at its height of mediocrity, filled to the brim with all kinds of dull English-folk.

Characters:
-Reese Witherspoon, nominally attractive, but never seen removed from her shapeless, colorless period British clothing.
-A whole lot of vacuously unremarkable English people with a definitive lack of overall personality. I would be hard pressed to remember any of them, and only remember Witherspoon's character (the name escapes me) because she was onscreen a lot and I kept hoping she would remove some clothes (to no avail).

Plot:
The movie begins with Reese Witherspoon as a poor, annoying girl. A whole lot of nothing happens. I think she may have moved at some point to a different, equally monotonous part of England. More nothing happens, with brief interludes of mind-numbing boredom. I think she may have had a child or children, because she seemed to get somewhat more rotund (difficult to tell with the shapeless English clothing), and afterward there were more small folk present. The children didn't seem to bring any character to the movie, being smaller, if anything slightly more dull, versions of the adults. Some more nothing happened. I get the impression that a lot of time passed, mostly on account of the "15 years later" subtitles that happened a few times. Possibly someone just said that phrase in Klingon and it was written on the bottom of the screen as a translation. I'm not sure, I was having difficulty paying attention (it was more interesting to stare at the flight attendant and count the seconds until the drink cart would be within pillaging distance). Near the end of the movie, she may have been a whore (equally shapeless clothing, more makeup) in Germany. I say this because it said "Germany, 12 years later" at the bottom of the screen, although again, this may have been the translation of some Klingon that a pimp was speaking. Also, I think she went to India or something. India turned out to be as dull as England, but more elephants.

Well, good luck. I hope I have saved you from potentially watching this terrible saga of treacherous boredom. If your girlfriend/wife/significant other ever attempts to pressure you to view this waste of film, rent something with Hugh Grant instead. It may be dreadful, but it will probably be shorter.

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ray you need a new story. Vanity Fair sucked, and I'm bored with your spoiler :P
Aeryn

January 12, 2005 at 11:23 PM  

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