Monday, December 20, 2004

Fake Cowboys and Special People

I went to a bar this weekend with some friends. It was called "Cowboy Country" (or something similar) and it was a country western bar. Now, Long Beach, CA, despite being on the West coast, is not a particularly "Western" atmosphere. Mostly, what a country bar in a city like Long Beach is, is a place where yuppies with ridiculous cowboy hats can go to feel manly. And nothing could be manlier than line dancing. Now, in "real" country bars, the patrons do not wear expensive cowboy hats and expensive leather cowboy boots. Nor are their clothes neatly pressed and free of stain and wear. Real cowboy-type-people (by which I mostly mean rednecks) wear trucker hats and greasy t-shirts. Not so in this case.

However, Cowboy Country was not without its own special cast of characters, and nowhere do "special" people shine so much as line dancing alternatively to country and pop music. Allow me to introduce you to some of the fine folks that I didn't actually meet, but rather laughed at from a balcony while drinking.

There was a large gentleman that we christened "Captain Earthquake" on account of him being inexplicably both six and a half feet tall and six and a half feet wide (at the ass at any rate). He had the look of a formerly skinny computer nerd who had started making enough cash to keep him in Little Debbie at all hours, day and night. He wore a cowboy hat, and, in a futilely vain attempt to disguise his massive gut, a baggy pinstripe shirt. It's been said that there are some things that you simply cannot "un-see", and an enormous geek gyrating his bulbous ass to Britney Spears is most certainly one of them. Against all odds, the Captain could often be seen dancing with a spanish girl in overalls a quarter his size (meaning she still had a hefty belly), occasionally performing the grind (although he may have just been trying to get closer, so as to make eating her a simple task). Again, an event that will remain uncomfortably lodged in my skull for a long time to come. Captain Earthquake eventually went home with "Lady Thunder", a redhead fully half his size. I'd hate to live in the apartment below that undoubtedly terrible collision of cellulite.

Another addition to the freakshow were the "Three Gay Cowboys". These were three guys whose clones you've probably seen at many a club. Basically they're the deep-in-the-closet (like, Narnia deep) men that dance with each other and appear to think that they are the hottest thing to hit the dance floor since molotov shoes. In this case they were dressed in full cowboy regalia. During the veritable flood of line dances, they would flamboyantly spin throughout the "electric slide" and occasionally went down in a move that I like to call "gay man's pushup", which involved throwing themselves down at the floor, hip-thrusting a couple of times, then bouncing back up. The Three would somehow manage to find female companionship during non-line dances, although they made sure to keep at least three feet of space between themselves and whatever head-case they had managed to trap at all times. I laughed at these three a lot.

Spinney McSpinnerson was a female of indeterminate age in a flower print, old school sundress type skirt. At any opportunity (basically whenever the music was playing), she would spin around in a circle like the fate of country music depended on it. As she spun, her skirt would lift up like Marilyn Monroe's in that famous picture where she's standing over a sewer. Except that Spinney didn't really have anything anyone would want to see in the first place. Spinney's face, although usually covered in curly brown hair straight out of 80's country western movies, was a sight to be beheld. It was the copious amounts of garish makeup that made it difficult to determine her age. She could have been anywhere from 25 to undead. She used white makeup to enhance... I guess her natural pallor. Then she accented her eyes and cheeks to look like a geisha. Maybe she was, back in 1845 before she was vampirized.

Well, that's all I feel like describing about Cowboy Country. The drinks aren't cheap, so aside from free entertainment, there's not much reason to go, but don't let me stop you.

ed: 12/21 - found out the name of the bar was Cowboy Country. Extreme apologies for any terrible confusion this may have generated.

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As a person from Wisconsin, and since I know of several rednecks, I would like to clarify a few points in your story. First! Rednecks do wear expensive cowboy hats and boots, and other expensive clothing, its just that the value of the clothing drops really fast when it gets covered in grease and manure. Actually most rednecks spend about half of their money on clothing, another third of their money on truck'n'tractor parts, and the rest of their money on livestock'n'food.

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