Friday, November 12, 2004

The Ultimate Evolution of Mankind

I was listening to some music and it got me to thinking. Why? I don't know. A fundamental question, why. Broadly speaking, it asks why are we here? I believe I have stumbled upon the answer.

Mankind exists to produce fantastic lawns.

Everything about human beings is the ultimate evolution of a grass growing/tending biological unit. We are perfectly evolved to push lawnmowers. Not only pushing, but riding as well. What other manner of beast could ride a lawnmower? Some claim that dolphins are almost as intelligent as humans. Fah! I say, a dolphin could never ride a lawnmower.

Now, not to be speciecentric, some other animals on this earth play a role in creating magnificent yards. Cows, for example, provide fertilizer in two ways. One directly, through shitting on the ground, and one indirectly, through being eaten by man and then shit out onto the ground. It is important to note that vegetarians are enemies of our evolutionary purpose, as they attempt to deny that things like steak and bacon are delicious and should be eaten (and thusly shat). As are the French. I'm not sure why yet, but it could just be assumed that they are the enemies of a fine lawn (it probably has something to do with bidets).

Do you suppose it is coincidence that so many of us included pulling up weeds as chores when young? Of course not, it is our racial memory (no doubt implanted by some sort of Lawn God) that drives our parents to demand that we slave over the precious grassy havens of worms and voles and such.

So go now, mow your beloved lawn, be driven before instincts millions of years in the refinement!

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