Tuesday, October 05, 2004

McKnucklean California

My first questions come from Riker and Andrey, who ask me to describe the so-called "Pacific" coast for those who haven't had the opportunity to view it themselves, and the entity known as Skeletor McKnuckles. So I've decided to combine the two as the adventures of Skeletor McKnuckles in California.

First, a little back story on Mr. McKnuckles. He first came to my attention because I seem to receive a lot of his mail. At my address, Skeletor has received countless credit card offers, and chances to win trillions of dollars worth of golden, gem encrusted scissors and whatnot. Unfortunately I only ever get his junk mail, he never sees fit to send actual free ipods to me, only chances to get them. These opportunities seem very attractive until I realize that I do not yet posess the skillset necessary to swallow a mature elephant whole, or bake a wedding cake out of gelatinous sea muck. Yet.

Skeletor often wanders the beaches looking for pirate treasure. Being somewhat of a pirate himself, inasmuch as he posesses the skeleton of a pirate, he considers it to be a professional interest. Now, much as you would believe, the beaches in California are absolutely loaded with pirate treasure. Usually old McKnuckles will just throw on a crown or two, a few amulets, and three rings for each finger and toe before giving up for the day. Then he puts a curse on the treasure, as pirates are wont to do, and gives it away to assholes in coffee shops.

Out here on the perimeter, there are many wandering bands of cutthroats. Well, not actually cutthroats, they're too damn liberal to actually cut a throat, but they do whine something fierce. These fierce bands of whiners will often try to steal from you. Or at least ask for money to save the cows. Naturally Skeletor, being a healthy carnivore, is violently opposed to these vegan scum. When he chances to see them coming his way down the street, most times he will use his heat vision to fry them up into tasty crispy critters, upon which he will consume them wholesale. He considers this to be community service.

The great McKnuckles is good friends with the commando overlord who rules the nation state of California. Since both of them are so fond of blowing up entire islands full of terrorists (or tourists, doesn't really make a difference), they will often go off together on "freedom" sprees. As both can fly, many citizens here live in perpetual fear of some kind of gubernatorial skeletal death from above.

Well, I hope I have answered the questions posed fully and without a trace of the ridiculous. If any of you out there have other questions, about anything really, I would be happy to give you an answer. (Legal Note: The correct answer is not guaranteed. An answer does not necessarily consist of facts or even anything more than fanatical raving.)


Blogger Rob Paisley said...

Why did you create a blog in the first place? I know my reason is because you don't allow anonymous posting.

Why Boeing?

I don't have to ask why not Rochester, but why not somewhere other than California?

Have you been to The OC? :)

How much is Gas?

I'd like a post on kiwi as well.

October 6, 2004 at 8:32 AM  

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