Friday, October 22, 2004

How To Survive in this Robot Infested World

Robots are an inescapable reality. They can be seen everywhere, just by knowing what to look for. That old man in the park, "sleeping" under a pile of "newspapers" on a "bench"? He's actually a sophisticated killing machine. Maybe you wonder why public telephones are still all about despite the fact that nearly everyone carries a cellular phone (or is afraid of public telephones). It's because they're assassinating death machines.

If you doubt me, trick a homeless person (make sure it's really a homeless person and not a killer robot) by offering them a sandwich in exchange for going over to a public telephone and whispering "I know all about the secret lives of robots". Moments later, you will witness poisonous nerve gas spewing from the transmitter and a sharp spike repeatedly flashing from the receiver and into his brain. Make sure to watch carefully, because the speed with which a robot mind control device is inserted into his brain will be astonishing. In point of fact, he will even remember to ask you for the sandwich you offered. At this point you should run away though, because the robot inside him is going to kill you and reanimate your body as a cyborg slave. Most of the people on the planet are cyborg slaves at this point. Your own mother is probably a cyborg slave.

The thing is, robots are afraid of potatoes and smoking. They don't want us to know this, but they are trying to phase potatoes out of existence via the "Atkins Diet" (aka killer evil robot feeding regimen), and they've even managed to ban smoking in public in many states. Smoking is actually good for you, it helps you to live longer and fights off potential robot enslavement. If you know an Irish chainsmoker, he's probably the most trustworthy person should you find yourself in dire straits. His constant smoking and consumption of potatoes and potato based foods makes him virtually invincible to vicious robot attack.

Among the things to watch out for in your "friends" and "neighbors" is a peculiar aptitude for video games. Especially Super Smash Bros on the N64. This game is actually a training program for robot super assassins. If you have a "friend" who virtually never loses at this video game, or probably any other video game, take a machete to the back of his skull. It won't be murder because he's a killer robot, and everyone will know once you spill his hydraulic fluid and oily steel gadgetry all over the carpet.

At the moment, robots still fear us, and this is the way it should be. If they ever succeed in exterminating the Irish, bringing down innocent tobacco companies, and pushing the entire world onto their horrendous feeding regimen, the fear will lessen. You will see robots walking about in the open, chains of human slaves in tow. Civilization as we know it will crumble as the robots rise against us. Bacon will become a thing of the past, as will cheese and freedom. In order to do your part to stop this tragedy from becoming inevitable, you must not give in. Smoke like fiends. Put potatoes on everything, even cereal. Carry around a battle ax and slay anyone you suspect of being and evil robot or evil robot sympathizer, because your instincts are probably correct. Viva la humanity.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should write a story, about trees, forks, and circus people. -Aeryn

October 22, 2004 at 6:20 PM  

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