Monday, October 25, 2004

The Deadly Future of Ice Cream

The cryogenic corpse freezing process seems to bring a lot of hope to eskimos with dreams of icy immortality. However, it hasn't really been mentioned whether or not it would be viable to be frozen with supplies in case of an adverse future. Supposing you were unfrozen, generations hence, only to discover that had you kept a roll of duct tape in your pants, you would have easily become the unquestioned ruler of a nation of gorgeous members of the opposite gender?

I see one significant problem with the otherwise fantastic plan I have proposed, and I will illustrate it with an example. Suppose you were an avid fan of ice cream, and as insurance against a future without such a tasty treat, you chose to fill your frozen tube with rocky road in addition to your dessicated corpse. In the future, say 2308, ice cream has gone extinct, as you so wisely predicted. A cure has not yet been found for the bowling ball head-smashing that precipitated your demise, so you remain frozen and unaware. Ice cream fanatic geneticists begin altering the genes of truffle sniffing hogs to ferret out caches of delectable frozen dairy treats hidden by those who failed the sharing portion of their kindergarten training.

For a decade or two, they are complacent with locating huge underground refrigeration units and plundering them in a binge of choco-dairy slaughter that would make Ben burst into tear filled rage and end Jerry's life with a mercifully intentioned bath in a sharp-bladed mixing vat. But as sources begin to wane, their greedy sugar fogged eyes turn to smaller alternatives. Soon they begin finding you and all the others who followed your inspired example. Having no cure for your particular maladies, they mine your cryo-tubes for creamy frozen choco-vanillean delights and toss aside your corpses like so many useless meat sacks. Discovering the wondrous ease with which they extracted treasures from your synthetic plastic sarcophagi, they begin harvesting the contents of other tubes. Other people who followed your shining example of bringing personal items on a ride into the future fall under the twisted claws of these formerly hallowed geneticist creatures. People who froze tuna sandwiches, micky mouse watches, and nalgene bottles filled with irradiated ground beef are plucked from their giant test tube homes and discarded in ever growing piles of freeze dried human trash.

Two years after the great extraction, cures are found for every disease ever conceived, including your unfortunate brain-case crushing. All those that were frozen naked and alone are brought back to life in a world ripe for domination by twentieth century born overlords. And you missed out, all because you couldn't set aside your intense greed for the rocky road.


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