Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Become an Office Pirate

Hollywood often influences the popular professions in America, and throughout the world. Who can forget that brief time in the 90's when people actually thought hackers ranked right up there with James Bond in terms of danger and debonaire. This despite the vast majority being pimply-faced 14-40 year olds who often express desire to move out of there parents' basements without having any real plans to do so. Today however, we speak of an old profession reignited by the silver screen, and fully deserving of its newly recovered popularity. This occupation, my friends, is piracy (not the software kind, the Johnny Depp kind).

You might ask yourself where you could practice piracy. Around the office would do nicely, and the act of being a pirate grants you whatever you desire, should it be a sultry secretary or a half dozen staplers painted white with correction fluid. The office also provides plenty of booty for the plunderin.

You may think to yourself, how can I be a pirate in this day and age?
Firstly, and easiest, stop bathing. Pirates are dirty and tend toward the rank. If you feel the need to wash up a bit, jump in a body of water (fully clothed) and give yourself a quick rinse.

Second, you've got to have some frightening deformity that nevertheless allows you to maintain your piratical sex appeal. Missing limbs and eyes are always popular, but feel free to get creative. Chop off a finger and replace it with a snake. Remove some teeth and replace them with paper clips. The possibilities are limitless.

You've also got to begin speaking like a pirate. If you find this difficult, just insert the words/phrases "yar", "bloody", "rot at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker", and "matey" into your daily speech. Eventually you'll find that pirate talk comes natural. Examples:

"Yar Evelyn, my mailbox is full, so I'm going to have to delete some documents before sending that memo to the team, matey."
"May this bloody copier/fax machine unit rot at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker!"
"Yar matey, my functional manager has asked me to finish entering the rosters into the bloody database, may he rot at the bottom of Davy Jones' locker!"

etc.

Additionally, you'd hardly be a pirate without singing some rousing pirate chanties randomly throughout the day. Simply describing what you do in singsong while insulting coworkers' mothers and tossing in the occasional "yo ho ho" can make for a marvelous chanty.

"I'm sitting at my desk and typing a report,
Yo ho, and your mother's a whore.
Marge across the way keeps sneezing real loud,
Yo ho, and your mother's a whore.
I'm skipping out early to pick up the kids,
Yo ho ho, and your mother's a whore."
etc.

So in following these simple steps, you can achieve today's dream of being a pirate. At least until a movie comes out making the janitorial profession seem action packed and fun filled. Then you'll probably give up piracy, buy a mop, and start following your custodial technician around on the job.

2 Comments:

Blogger Riker said...

This post alone has presented me with away-message fodder that will last damn near a month.

October 28, 2004 at 6:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your blog is so fun to read !!! i miss you
<3
paige

November 4, 2004 at 11:17 PM  

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