Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Bored at Work

I started writing a story, but it sucked.

Then I started writing a second one, but it sucked as well.

So instead I present a logical proof that vicious, giant man-eating pickles are the wave of the future.

Firstly, we note a growing trend in genetic food engineering (hereafter referred to as genoodneering) to make vegetables and fruits larger off the vine (or other thinger, like a tree or a hat). So naturally, one day, these vegetables will be larger than us.

Now, for the uninitiated (ie retarded), pickles are actually cucumbers soaked in brine. I don't know if you've ever been soaked in brine, but it's certainly enough to make you desire the death of all living things. So, now these giant pickles are quite angry, and desirous of the end of the race of Man.

So how will these pickles consume, you ask? (Or you don't, I don't care). The best way would be for them to grow teeth, and rest assured this is inevitable. All of evolution is really based in getting mad at stuff. For example, the first fish to leave the water and walk on land? One right pissed off bastard. He hated the water, and as a result of his seething rage, he popped out a few legs, and crawled up onto land. Similarly, monkeys climbed out of trees and evolved into men because they were furious at the trees for occasionally dropping coconuts on their heads (as evidenced by many looney tune cartoons). So, having established that the pickles are rightly enraged after having their happy-go-lucky cucumber lifestyle interrupted by a huge vat of simmering brine, it is only natural that they will grow teeth. Probably huge ones, really sharp, like a sloth (but bigger and sharper).

Also, pickles can fly (naturally, and I see no need to explain, as you should all already have been told by a tenth grade biology teacher).

So as you see, we need to arm ourselves against attack. We need to breed a generation of voracious pickle eaters. And we need massive water guns which we might fill with brine, a liquid that never fails to send raging pickle-beasts into terrified flight. Literally.


Blogger Jeffrus said...

Well you are def into pickles. or maybe the other way around :)

September 29, 2004 at 1:04 PM  

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